Let’s see. Cat hair. (That Fuzzy Bastard) Dog Pictured Above: Not My Dog. Noodles. Tacos; hard shell and soft. Iced Coffee. I make it at home so it’s with 2% Milk and Golden Brown Sugar – which is sugar and molasses. Cheddar cheese. Mushrooms. Lettuce, tomato, and onion. Rye Bread. (sigh) Mayo. Ranch Dressing. Pizza. Double Cheeseburgers. Chicken. (Christ) Mountain Dew. Corn products and their derivatives. But hey! You know… Brussel Sprouts. Green Beans. Broccoli. Refried Beans. Black Beans. … Hummus! Garlic. Triscuit. Saltines. Sometimes white bread. Reubens. Saur Kraut. Brats! (I’m from Wisco, ya’know.) Carrots and Celery. Chocolate Syrup. Popcorn every other week at the movies. Butter Flavored Topping. Canola Oil. Soy Sauce. Coca-Cola I suppose. But with lemon wedges when possible. Cod filets. Water. The Kwik Trip Nature’s Touch Dark Chocolate Candy Bar with Sea Salt Caramel is excellent.
Uhm. I use Tea-tree shampoo. Blue dish-soap. Pork chops at restaurants. Butter. Ooh! Lately I’ve gotten into making non-stick muffin-pan egg cups. So, eggs. Breakfast Sausage. Sliced Deli Ham. Sliced Roast Beef. Sliced Deli Turkey. Jalapenos! Tabasco. Lawry’s Seasoned Salt. Rosemary. Basil. Paprika. Oregano. Parsley. Black Pepper in one of those plastic grinders. Sea Salt. Potatoes. Geez, “potatoes” should be up near the top. Whatever oil potatoes are fried in everywhere. Vegetable Oil, I suppose. I save those hotel soaps and I use those… but I don’t know what’s in them. Coconut oil? Almonds. Pecans. Gardetto’s Snack Mix.
Ibuprofen. Acetamimophen. Seeing all this stuff listed above, it’s probably no surprise that I take Metformin, Atorvastatin, (grumble) Warfarin (goddamnit). Vitamins… sometimes. And hey: Chanca Piedra and Ashwagandha! (Whoo hoo!) Steak, once a month, maybe. Gyros – same. So that leads to tzatziki! Cucumber. Yogurt. Whatever that powder is on Doritos. Flavored Coffee Creamer with all the wonderful mysterious shit in it: Natural and Artificial Flavors. Sucralose. Carrageenan (Yes! Thematic.)
Honestly, then… Road Salt, probably. Car exhaust smog. A couple of chewing gums from elementary school. Microorganisms. Skin cells. Bacteria. Viruses. Poop! That is – when I have a poop in me. Do I have a poop in me right now? Let me check… … … uh, nope. But honestly, who among us is without poop? Nobody sez I. Urine and all the other squirty stuff goes without saying. Eukaryotes. Fungi, I guess. Lint. Cotton. Menthol. Whatever’s in Cough Drops. Pollen in the goddamn Spring and Fall. Mucus. Plaque. Lactobacillus. No, wait. Not that one. Actinomycetota. Tardigrades.
Then there’s the PFAS (es?) Teflon! I know I said I was into non-stick muffin pan egg cups but mature humans can hold two contradictory concepts in their head at the same time: First being, “Whatever is coating this pan will kill me” and Second, “This egg cup is so light and buttery and fluffy. Mm. I am in love.” Underarm deodorant. Bit o’ Toothpaste. The same precious minerals found in a cell phone.
You know, I wonder, if you could tell your body’s Tardigrades to gather all your mineral and plastic bits together in one spot in your body – your large intestine, let’s say. And you told the little guys to assemble all the parts into a cell phone. I wonder how much of an actual cell phone they could build. Like half a cell phone? A flip-phone maybe. Some people with a lot of garbage in them could shit out one-and-a-half whole cell phones. The new Galaxy 10’s or whatever. You could sell one back to the store.
The Star Trek guys should take the food-replicator units – like those wall-mounted things, and rebuild them into their phasers. Instead of “Kill” or “Stun” you could shoot someone and turn their guts into a Philly Cheesesteak Sandwich. Shoot someone in the crotch and turn their nuts into actual nuts. Or turn their liver into a cup of Earl Grey Tea: Hot.
“Set phasers to *bowl-of-soup.*” “Tomato, Captain?” “No… Cream of Mushroom. FIRE!”
Pew-ew-ew-ew. “A-argh!” The Romulan clutches his stomach. He looks down and holds his hands open, expecting blood. Instead he holds a vintage collector’s bowl of mushroom soup (circa 20th century) filled to the rim, delicious looking, and hot. The spoon drops dramatically and clinks on the floor. The signature Star Trek TOS music que jumps in – the one that always plays when someone keels over. Then the Romulan keels over.
Ooh! Shrimp Gumbo. I don’t know why that scene made me think of Shrimp Gumbo. Sushi! I like Sushi. Yummy Salmon. Crab and Shrimp though. Salty Shrimp tails. I’ve trained myself not to hate those.
Copyright (c) 2023 Matt Schumann